“Welcome to the Comeback Hall of Fame! Here you will find many intriguing relics. Behold: hair clippings from Ellen DeGeneres’ 80’s mullet, a style later trimmed to accommodate daytime talk show stardom. To your right is a miniature of the Lincoln Memorial, a tribute to a man who lost numerous elections before becoming president and ending slavery! If you continue on down the hall, you will see a glass case containing a bent umbrella. That’s the original weapon used by Britney Spears to bludgeon a paparazzo’s car three years prior to winning the VMA Video of the Year award!”
“There might be a couple of you wondering what’s behind the velvet curtains in the front lobby. We aren’t actually supposed to say anything until the official launch on July 17th. But, since you asked so nicely, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Our newest edition to the Comeback Hall of Fame is the snack cake formerly known as Twinkies! It’s a treat that, after a 9 month hiatus, has again returned to grocery store shelves across America! The revamped snack cake formerly known as Twinkies will now be called… Twinkies. The box we managed to secure contains 10 cellophane-wrapped cakes of spongy gold. Nestled inside these gilded cakes are puffs of pristine, white cream.”
“You might be thinking, ‘But that sounds an awful lot like the Twinkies I used to eat before!’ You are right on the money. But what separates our box from the ones that will fill markets is that we’ve secured a vintage version of the product. When she first caught wind of Twinkies’ comeback, our curator was quick to lock down a box from 2012 that had been discovered by young folks cleaning out their deceased grandmother’s pantry. The 2013 edition Twinkies have the slogan, ‘The sweetest comeback in the history of ever’ crudely pasted across the front and are sold for $3.99. The 2012 Twinkies that have entered our hallowed hall contain no such branding and were bought for $100. Not that you can put a price on a piece of rags-to-riches-to-riches-to-rags-to-riches story…”
Welcome back, Twinkies!